The Untold Stories

It's happening right now! You're online! A while ago, you blocked me on skype, following a blocking/unfriending frenzy. I still don't know what's on your mind. I don't know, when I think about you, are you thinking about me too? Just last night, I had this nightmare that you again blocked me on Jack'D. Still being semi conscious, I got up from the bed and quickly glanced through the list, saw your profile and went back to sleep. It's been showing as 'this user has not shared his contact details with you' for about 2 weeks? And now, just 15 minutes ago, there's a pop up and xxx is online. What's happening?? I've learned the lesson, I will not dare to contact you. Doing so will result in another block. Staring at the screen, seeing you as 'online' makes me feel good. Don't know how else can I describe this feeling.

Today (Tuesday) is just another day, but I am thankful that it's been a peaceful one. Woke up quite late. So it's been like this recently with waking up. I will wake up around 7 to pee, then go back to sleep till 9 then wake up have breakfast, then sleep till 11 or 12. Probably it's a form of denial? I dun know.. So this morning the painters came in to do some painting job in the toilets. We were told earlier that they won't start till 9. But I woke up late. Had to shower before I can go out to hunt for food. So what did I do? I went to the girls' toilet! So in my place, the boys' toilets are downstairs and the girl's upstairs. Luckily not many were in the house. And no one was walking around upstairs so quickly dashed into one of the girls' bathrooms to shower. Don't know what will happen if someone saw me! Went to the city, to this 'Old Town' restaurant. It's a HK restaurant. Been there twice already. The food was ok, but th...

For the sake of 'brightening' my blog a bit, hence the title. I will get to the dildo later. Firstly, thank you to those of you who are still following this little space of mine. Thanks for taking interest in my life though most, if not all of you don't know me personally. Thanks for leaving the comments. Managed to get an appointment this afternoon at the sexual health clinic. Zoe, the nurse at this clinic that usually sees me, said that she thought we just met not long ago. Indeed that was the case. So I told her about the risk. I told her I only wanted a test. Had the test. It's been more than 6 weeks. She said she wouldn't be too concerned about it. But anyway she let me had the test. I noticed that the feverish feeling I am having (dry and warm eyes, warm limbs, warm body, body aches, probably mild fever) usually starts in the afternoon. I am researching about this thing 阴虚内热. So it's about the Yin being deficient, making the Yang too high a...

As I am writing this, I am feeling a little bit sick. The throat feels a bit sore, just a bit. The temperature is probably 0.5 degree Celsius up too. Since I got the thermometer last night, I've been checking my body temperature constantly, and probably excessively. It's always ranged from 36.9 to 37.3. Went back to the clinic today to collect the results. The HIV, urine chlamydia/gonorrhea, and syphilis were all negative. I know I should be feeling relieved by now. But no. At the clinic, the GP asked me if I've got any symptoms. So I told her about the feverish feeling I had for a couple of days or possibly for a week already. She took the temperature, with the ear thermometer, and it was 38.1, a low grade fever. She told me not to panic and proceeded to check my throat, the lymph around the throat and the armpits. She said my throat was slightly red/inflamed. It could be upper respiratory tract infection she said. When I got home after that, I kept checking ...

So I had an appointment with a GP today. He was friendly but I was quite shocked that he couldn't differentiate between antigens and antibodies. So I asked him, 'Err, with this pathology, do they use the 4th gen test? The one that looks for antigens and antibodies?' And he replied, 'I think for the general, first-line screening, they always look for the antigens first'. Looked up his profile on the clinic's website. More than 10 years of experience. Unbelievable. Anyway, on the pathology test request form, it was printed as Ag/Ab. Will go back tomorrow evening for the results. Hopefully everything will be fine. So, on my way home, while waiting for the green light at a junction, an old man approached me and asked if I could speak canto. I nodded. He was holding an envelope. And on it, there was this address. He told me he wanted to go to this building (with a Canto name). With the address, I used Google map to locate the place and found out that ...

It's funny that now when I am trying to write, I forgot what I did yesterday. Oh yea, I made Lego yesterday, I even blogged about it! It was so cold yesterday and so windy. But I thought since my hands and feet were cold, it might be a good idea to go to the gym and run and warm myself up. The running was fun, I was glad that I could still do the same distance and speed without much difficulty. But then, probably because of the wind and low temperature, I could feel headache developing last night after shower and dinner. I got worried. I am so afraid of falling sick during this period because I would be worried about HIV symptoms. I kept touching my forehead and neck to make sure I wasn't having fever! I made myself some got ginger tea, cut up some ginger slices and immerse them in boiling water. I didn't want to take other chinese medicine because I was afraid that those chinese medicine might have antiviral properties in it and would make me not believe my tes...

I remember those days when we went out to shopping malls, we would always visit the toys section of the department stores. Because he's so in love with Lego, the Star Wars series especially.  In Australia, Lego always has a at least a few shelves in the toys section. You can either go to K-Mart, Target, Myers, David Jones, Toys R us, etc.  I always felt like the guys in straight relationships, following their girlfriends to try out new clothes. He would always ask me, 'which one do you think is better?', 'Do you think I should get it now since it's on promotion?', 'get one for me la', 'you see this one so special, got this and that'.  To me, honestly, they were all Legos. They looked...well, nice, but I wouldn't buy them coz I was not interested in playing Lego.  The toys section was a must go section if we go out. I was generally fine with it. He knew I wasn't interested so he wouldn't forced me to be around him when...

Had a test done today. It's the 38th day post the unprotected oral sex I had. The last test I had was on the 34th day. Because I am worried about the 'second diagnostic window' with 4th generation tests. It's something technical but not too difficult to understand. Since 4th generation tests look for both the antigens and antibodies, and antigens and antibodies 'neutralize' each other when they form 'complexes', there is a possible period during which detectable antigen level is low and detectable antibody level is also low. If you wan to know more you can google it. But with the newer, improved versions of 4th generation tests, the sensitivity for both antigen and antibody has been increased. Hence, further reducing the possibility of this already rare second window. I am kinda worried because of the diarrhea and gastrointestinal discomfort I had in the last week or so Besides that, my eyes are kinda red and dry. Just worried. Anyway, after ...

It's almost time for bed. But am forcing myself to write these down. General Family had gone back to Malaysia yesterday morning. Had to booked two taxis as they were unable to send me a 'Maxi' (an MPV). Arrived at the airport, checked in and had hungry jacks breakfast. Bought some scones the night before, so my parents had scones, my elder sis wanted porridge and me and my younger sis had the breakfast sets. (Am I going into too much details here?) Sent them off. Had a pic taken outside the departure gate. Wasn't teary at all. Was probably too tired. Anyway, it's just 8 hours away, no big drama. Spent the whole afternoon yesterday watching porn, sleeping, wanking. Went to the gym for a 30 min run. Had McD for dinner. Purchased the Large Meal so I got a free Coca-cola glass. It's actually my first glass of this sort. Never collected McD merchandise. Played one game (dota) last night. I was so so bad. Probably lacked of practise for a week plus I was so...

Very interesting debate on Gay Marriage or actually Marriage Equality. Please watch it's worth your time! Actually I've met Ben and Nam (and blogged about them actually haha). Watch it here on  SBS Insight

I am exhausted. I think I'm pushing myself towards the max already. Travelling around with the family made me think about stuff even more. It made me realise how 'important' I am. Perhaps it's my point of view, and I really hope it's just me being biased and not being able to see from another perspective. I really hope this is not the case. I noticed that my sisters are passive, they are not as 'smart' or 'thoughtful' or 'well-planned' as me. It made my worried. Every day, while they are here, I will have to think about places to bring them to. I will have to make sure that while bringing them to those places, on our way there and while we are there, they will be able to hear 'important info' I tell them so that they don't miss anything, so that it will be worth their trip. I will have to make sure they are following, that I am not walking too fast. I will have to think about places for us to dine. I will have to remind ...

It's tiring to be a guide. I think I may soon lose my voice. Too much talking.  Woke up this morning and called the clinic. Thank god that they had slots available. So I went in at 10.30 to collect my test result. It's negative. Thank God.  Started with my university. Had to be really patient. Everything seemed beautiful to them hence lots of waiting for photo taking. But I was telling myself, it's worth it la, they travelled so far to visit me and it's a blessing to be able to be with them.  Went to chinatown. Had the famous vietnamese Pho for lunch. Haven't been to there myself, so first time for me too. It was really good. Mum made a mistake with her order but was happily surprised with the 'wrong' order.  Walked around Chinatown. Bought sim cards. Bought some souvenirs already. Mum bought a 'cheap' jacket too, haha. As long as she's happy.  For dinner, brought them to a Thai restaurant at the Darling Harbour. The place I we...

After picking up my parents and sisters at the airport, came home to put their luggages, we went to the nearby Italian pizza place for a quick dinner.  They were all very tired already. Same with me. Ordered two large pizzas to share. Happy to have them here!  After the dinner, came home, gave them the wifi password, showed them the bathrooms, passed them the toothpastes, the hair dryer, lent my old laptop to my mum, made them chamomile tea, and finally have some time for myself before i go to bed.  It's been a long day actually.  Woke up at 5 or 6. Tried to sleep again but the quality wasn't that good. Had some oatmeal for breakfast and called my sis who were waiting at the airport back in Malaysia.  Decided to go for another test today as today (Friday) is the 28th day post the unprotected oral sex. I know I am having too many tests but I really want to have some peace and certainty so that I could be cheerful and happy to bring my famil...

As I'm writing this, it's technically Friday already, but it's still Thursday night for me. Pretty much wasted the whole day. Perhaps it was the masturbation this early morning and lack of exercise that made me feel weak, without energy. Just wanted to stay in bed till as late as possible. Got up, had some biscuits and coffee, and continued sleeping. Woke up, washed up and went out for lunch. Went to the same Jolly cafe again, had a beef burger, fries and a cup of Flat White. Came home, and spent the whole afternoon, literally, looking at profiles on Jack'D. It's getting a little bit extreme. No sex involved. No intention for sex. I guess I am just really lonely, just want to have someone to chat with me. Just want to know someone, and hopefully that someone will cheer me up, will interest me, and bring me out from all these. Cooked brown rice, steamed 2 beaten eggs. That's my dinner. Went to the church and played some songs for like an hour. J...

There are actually so many things in my head right now. I don't know what should be the appropriate title and what's the best way to organise this post. I will try my best... Health So with the test I did yesterday, I was told that the result will be sent to me via SMS within 24 hours. It was hard fall me to sleep last night, though it's never been easy actually. All nervous since morning. By 12pm still haven't received anything. Called them, and was told that they would only get the results from lab around 3pm and should reach us by 4.30pm. Still nothing by 4.30pm, was worried that something was wrong. Called, and one of the nurses said it was just because the nurses were really busy. Was told that she would organise someone to send to me ASAP. Got my negative result at 4.55pm. Thank God. Yes, I should feel better by now. But actually it's not 100 percent taken off my shoulders yet. I kept thinking about the accuracy of the test. As I've blog...

Went to northern Sydney today for the test. Didn't ask about the rapid test today. Just told them I wanted a test because it's now past the window period. It's the reason I give every time. This clinic provides the option of receiving the result by SMS the next day. I guess I will be very nervous from now till I get the result tomorrow. I had an unprotected oral sex 25 days ago. I was the one receiving it (he gave me blowjob). Nurses and some of the sources I found online said that oral sex carries a low risk for hiv transmission. There were actually some reported cases of transmission happening this way. But usually it's because the person who performed oral sex also received cum in his mouth and there might be sores or wounds in his mouth. I don't know about the hiv status of the person who gave me the blowjob. A lot of experts confirmed that saliva does not carry hiv that is infectious though pieces of RNA or DNA were picked up in saliva. They said in...

So finally I was able to see you, though indirectly, on your jack'd profile. Went to the city today, enabled 4G on my mobile and re-installed the app. The first thing I did was to immediately look for your profile. My previous anonymous account was blocked by you when I couldn't control the urge but to message you and somehow you knew it was me. You look so good now. Really, I can see happiness on your face. You seem to be a little bit slimmer? When was the last time you smiled so happily when you were with me? Did you? Or was I too preoccupied with my own stuff and not noticed it? I saw a jacket was placed on your back. It must be someone many times better than me who knows how to cherish you. The jacket looks nice. It must be someone who knows how to dress well unlike me who is wearing the same jumper that you hated. I have been telling people how much I miss you. How much I would love to see you, to know how you are doing. I told people I wouldn't mind seeing you...

Had a long but fun day yesterday. Dragged myself to the gym for my second yoga class. This time there were slightly more people, around 15 of us. The instructor was also different this time, a White lady in her 40s maybe. The class was harder this time. We were always given the option to do the simpler version or the more advanced version. No pressure. We focused a lot on the legs and hips, similar to the first class. I found myself shaking a lot. It's quite embarrassing actually coz nobody else was shaking like me. So weak. I should be the youngest in the class haha. I was a bit concerned as the instructor used Buddhist hymns while the previous one we only had normal light music. But I guess it's ok as long as I know I am only there for the exercise. Nothing religious. After the class I went to McD for lunch. But as usual, I skipped the fries and soft drinks and ordered two burgers and a cup of coffee. Played one game on Dota and then prepared myself to go out with...

Switched off my alarm at 8.30am and continued to sleep till 9.15am. Had only 15 mins to prep myself before rushing off to the hospital to meet the nurse consultant at 10am. I was on time. Thank God for the smooth traffic. Waited for 20 mins till I was finally seen. I was not as nervous, firstly because I've had many tests before and secondly I could sense that the nurse consultant wasn't acting differently. So my 3-month-post-exposure HIV test result was negative. Thank God. Besides my dear friends who supported me through this period, I would also like to thank you guys who have been reading my blog and leaving some comments from time to time. It's really therapeutic for me to be able to express my feelings and thoughts here. But it's not over yet. There are still things that I'm worried about. There's still a risk as I had unprotected oral sex about 20 days ago. So I will try to book myself another test next week. Many would say that no one uses a cond...