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Result. Test. Result

It's funny that now when I am trying to write, I forgot what I did yesterday. Oh yea, I made Lego yesterday, I even blogged about it!

It was so cold yesterday and so windy. But I thought since my hands and feet were cold, it might be a good idea to go to the gym and run and warm myself up.

The running was fun, I was glad that I could still do the same distance and speed without much difficulty.

But then, probably because of the wind and low temperature, I could feel headache developing last night after shower and dinner.

I got worried. I am so afraid of falling sick during this period because I would be worried about HIV symptoms. I kept touching my forehead and neck to make sure I wasn't having fever!

I made myself some got ginger tea, cut up some ginger slices and immerse them in boiling water.

I didn't want to take other chinese medicine because I was afraid that those chinese medicine might have antiviral properties in it and would make me not believe my test results!

I know I am getting more and more neurotic about things!

This morning, I could still feel the heaviness in my head. Though not very serious.

Called the sexual health clinic for the test result. They called back about an hour later and told me it's negative. Thank God for the healthy result.

But I am still worried.

I am worried that
- I may be exposed to a very small amount of virus, just enough to get me infected and hence it's not showing up despite it's 10 days after the 28-day window with 4th generation tests.
- Any chinese herbs that I had (American ginseng, some medicinal herbal tea, honey, chamomile, etc. ) may have antiviral properties against HIV that no one is aware of yet, and hence suppressing/hiding the 'presence' of virus
- The labs didn't do their jobs properly

Every time I had a test, I prayed that the test will be Accurate and Negative.

I actually booked myself a time with a GP tomorrow for another test. That would be 41th (almost 6 weeks) post the unprotected oral sex act.

I know, when reading this, most if not all of you would think I'm crazy already. I don't know what to do besides having more tests.

I dug out journal articles on saliva, oral sex and hiv. But nothing could eliminate the fears I have.

Part of me is guilty with what I did. I could not forgive myself for doing what i did. It's about my beliefs, it's also about me claiming how much I love/miss my ex.

Am i a super hypocrite here?
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