Skip to main content

You

So finally I was able to see you, though indirectly, on your jack'd profile.

Went to the city today, enabled 4G on my mobile and re-installed the app. The first thing I did was to immediately look for your profile. My previous anonymous account was blocked by you when I couldn't control the urge but to message you and somehow you knew it was me.

You look so good now. Really, I can see happiness on your face. You seem to be a little bit slimmer? When was the last time you smiled so happily when you were with me? Did you? Or was I too preoccupied with my own stuff and not noticed it?

I saw a jacket was placed on your back. It must be someone many times better than me who knows how to cherish you. The jacket looks nice. It must be someone who knows how to dress well unlike me who is wearing the same jumper that you hated.

I have been telling people how much I miss you. How much I would love to see you, to know how you are doing. I told people I wouldn't mind seeing you with another guy, as long as I get the chance, to just see you.

So now, I saw you, though indirectly, and is able to guess that you must be dating someone and most likely you are feeling happy. So what now?

Am I jealous? Yes, a bit. He must be way better than me.

But do I have the right to be jealous to feel sour? I don't think so. Every day and night, I kept thinking about you. Everything seemed to be able to trigger my memory of you of ours. Many times I would say to myself, I should have done this and that, I shouldn't have done this and that.

But isn't it too late now? I dunno.

On your profile you say you are looking for friends though you are single. But will it be changed to I'm attached the next time I look at it. What can I do? It's none of my business right?

At the same time I am also worried that you will meet bad guys, guys who just wan to play around. I am afraid you will be used. I dunno. Who am I to think about all these for you.

I will have a test again tomorrow. It will be 25 days since my unprotected oral sex.

I am having diarrhea today. Could it be because of the curry from the local Indian shop I had last night? Or is it a sign that I am infected or something?

Family is coming this Friday all the way from Malaysia. What if something bad happens to me. Will I have enough strength to deal with it?

I just had Imodium. What if it gets more serious tonight? Will I be panicked?

Again, you don't care right? You shouldn't. And you won't see this anyway.
Labels:

Comments

  1. soul232August 5, 2013 at 11:46 PM

    but we do....well I do =)

    It wont be easy to be happy for someone u love that is no longer urs

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownAugust 6, 2013 at 2:03 AM

    You have my support =)

    He will always inside your heart, but when time passes you will see it in painless and grateful way =)

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How long is 20 months?

It's been almost a year since I last wrote. So what prompted me to write again? I still haven't gotten over Jay. He left in June 16? Yes, its now March 18. Shocking right,? How can someone, especially someone like me who can be so determined in my career and studies, who is so rational in all other material aspects, fail to marshal the power to put an end to it. I wanted to write, to remind myself how much time has passed, as his second birthday post our breakup is coming up. Last year, I mailed him a gift and a card. There was no reply. He finally agreed to meet over lunch about half a year ago? I texted him on a monthly basis to say hello. He would give me a simple reply if he felt like it. There was this perpetual urge to see him, to talk to him. I took photos of the baked goods I made. I used the 'save' feature on Facebook to save cute or funny videos. I hoped one day I would have the opportunity to show him all these. How foolish. I noticed I did
7 comments
Read more

The "Emergency Contact"

Got a letter from the insurance company this morning, confirming that my conditions are not 'pre-existing'. Glad that they are willing to pay for my colonoscopy and endoscopy (with an 'excess' of $500, which means I would have to pay for the first $500 in a calendar year for any claims I make).  I called the clinic quickly to make an appointment for the procedures. The earliest they have is this Wednesday, so I will be 'admitted' this Wednesday afternoon.  The lady over the phone said that I must arrange for someone to bring me home after the procedure because I will be sedated (as opposed to anaesthesia) and under NSW laws it is a requirement that I go home accompanied.  I can't think of anyone really. No family, no friends, no one, just me alone. I told her I have no one that I can ask. I wondered what she thought, poor kid maybe. Fortunately, there is a specialised cab service that I can hire to escort me home.  Then, there was the pre-admi
4 comments
Read more

Are you the ONE?

One thing being a gay and single is that, I tend to screen for prospective Bf, every single day, every single time a man, in the right age range walks past me. (Though the age range criteria has been relaxed most of the time) It wasn't this 'serious' in the past, my brain wasn't working like this... Now, it's getting a bit excessive sometimes. Stealing glances at random guys on the bus, in the park, around the neighbourhood, in the gym...And these glances are getting more and more 'advanced'. I know perfectly, where to scan, the legs, the butts, the triceps, the forearm, etc. I know the timing. I know where to sit on the bus so that I can have an easy access to the view. And most importantly, I acted as if I didn't care, with the cool face, acted as if I'm the least possible person to steal glances at random guys. Am I perverted? weird? desperate? Maybe it's the desperateness. With guys that I haven't met, I find myself having all the
10 comments
Read more