Another test result

There are actually so many things in my head right now. I don't know what should be the appropriate title and what's the best way to organise this post.

I will try my best...

Health
So with the test I did yesterday, I was told that the result will be sent to me via SMS within 24 hours.

It was hard fall me to sleep last night, though it's never been easy actually.

All nervous since morning. By 12pm still haven't received anything. Called them, and was told that they would only get the results from lab around 3pm and should reach us by 4.30pm.

Still nothing by 4.30pm, was worried that something was wrong. Called, and one of the nurses said it was just because the nurses were really busy. Was told that she would organise someone to send to me ASAP.

Got my negative result at 4.55pm.

Thank God.

Yes, I should feel better by now. But actually it's not 100 percent taken off my shoulders yet.

I kept thinking about the accuracy of the test. As I've blogged about it previously, I had a diarrhoea the day before the test and had Imodium, the anti-diarrhoeal medicine. So I just double-checked this evening to make sure that it isn't antiviral or anything.

I am tired to think about when is the next best time to test again. How to define best time? Not within window period but ASAP because I need certainty very badly.

Relationship

So continue from yesterday's post, I was stalking him on Jack'D and couldn't find him.

I actually sent him a message with the new profile I created. I didn't want to lie, so I just used a totally irrelevant profile name and a picture of the street.

We exchanged a few messages. He asked for my picture. I didn't show him. He asked me to describe myself and so I said 'I am just one of the many guys who are interested in you'. And then I hastened to add 'But definitely not one of those guys who will have a fancy jacket like the one on your back'.

Can you sense the jealousy there?

So he replied, 'I can't do this..I need trust and identity..'. He probably suspected it was me. And before i could reply, I got blocked.

So no more tracking of where he is. Jack'd wouldn't allow me to keep creating new accounts on my phone. No more.

I decided to email you to apologise. I thought I needed to be brave. Be a man. If I did it, then why be afraid to admit.

So I wrote him an email, basically saying that I got no bad intentions. I just missed him hence my stupid acts.

I told him I knew it's my own problem, me not being able to move on is my problem not his. And I shouldn't disturb him.

I wished him all the best, sincerely.

I told him that days and nights, everyday things that I did would remind me of him. I regretted so so much. Things that I should and should not have done.

There are literally hundreds of reasons why he should leave me. So I should stop asking 'why are you so heartless and bla bla bla', coz it's very clear that it's all my fault.

Then perhaps you might think that I should go after him again, if I really love him. Actually I think I should actively pursue this, coz he once told me that we lacked the 'chase'.

But again, I asked myself. What do I have to offer? No look, no body, no money, no fashion sense. Just a dull boy who probably thinks too highly of himself. Full stop.

Random stuff

So, today, I uploaded my own photos on Jack'D. I got a few msgs, from old men, probably looking for sex.

I like looking at photos of hot naked men. I am curious, most of the time.

But I felt emo and down.

Am I going to repeat the vicious cycle again?

Hooking up? and then worrying again?

I hope not. I know better now. I have tasted love. I have tasted pain.

No one touches my heart like you do. No one can make me cry everyday.

Let's not quickly say that this is love. Probably I'm too cheap to talk about love. It's a feeling. I do have a feeling for you.