It's still rainy and windy here in Sydney.
Didn't do much today. Braced the rain this morning to get myself a Bacon and Zucchini muffin and a cup of Flat White. I told myself I needed them, I had to brighten up my day a bit. For lunch, I cooked myself a combination of 8 beans, it's called the 'eight treasure porridge' in Mandarin.
I didn't really have the mood to play Dota today, despite the addition of 'heroes' that was released two days ago. I was just browsing through some profiles on Fridae. No chats, nothing at all.
Went to the church in the evening. Was happy that we sang 'In Christ Alone' today again. The sermon was on the 'unforgivable sin', which I was able to follow through without much yawning. Quickly left the church after the service, and heated up the chicken curry I bought and had it with some plain rice.
Streamed some TVB dramas tonight.
Yes, there was no human interaction for me today. In fact, other than people I meet at work and the housemates, I normally just have myself.
I like making friends. I like chatting. I can talk non-stop when I am with the right people. But I just don't have anyone here in Sydney that is able to spend time with me.
As I mentioned before, the friends I have are attached. I feel that I should leave them alone.
Oh and by the way, I forgot to note this down. When I saw my ex again on Friday night, when he was walking next to me and talking to me, I felt like I was going back to the 'normal' days. It was so familiar. I felt like it was just a few days ago that we last spoke. There were a few moments over the dinner that I looked at him and smiled. He asked me why but I didn't say anything. I didn't tell him about my worries recently. I didn't wan to ruin the atmosphere I guess.
It was him who found me. On Fridae. Who would have expected that a random message from a total stranger on Fridae would lead to a relationship. And who would have expected it to be so short-lived.
But I m really unable to envisage that from happening again. I can't see the future. There may be some nice people that I meet along the way. But one day they will be out of my life and I will be left alone to continue the journey myself. Many including you who are reading this will come and go. That's the sad reality I guess. I know it's a reality but it's one that I can't quite accept.
Speaking about the worries. It's such a bad year, I am to be blamed as well. I actually don't know how to get out of this! Yes, I dun know how to get out of this depressed state!
I don't know who can help. I don't know who to tell anymore. I guess it's a natural instinct for me to call out for help, so that I could tell some about my worries my fears, so that I wouldn't go crazy myself.
But am I expecting too much from other people? Seriously what was I thinking? Everyone has got their own life. I am like a total stranger to many of you. My stories might touch a few of you, but that's it. It's still my life.
I can talk to friends, to nice people like you, or putting my thoughts here. But at the end of the day, I know I am still by myself. There's no one that I can cry to. There's no one that see the ugly me without the mask.
I feel very alone.
Didn't do much today. Braced the rain this morning to get myself a Bacon and Zucchini muffin and a cup of Flat White. I told myself I needed them, I had to brighten up my day a bit. For lunch, I cooked myself a combination of 8 beans, it's called the 'eight treasure porridge' in Mandarin.
I didn't really have the mood to play Dota today, despite the addition of 'heroes' that was released two days ago. I was just browsing through some profiles on Fridae. No chats, nothing at all.
Went to the church in the evening. Was happy that we sang 'In Christ Alone' today again. The sermon was on the 'unforgivable sin', which I was able to follow through without much yawning. Quickly left the church after the service, and heated up the chicken curry I bought and had it with some plain rice.
Streamed some TVB dramas tonight.
Yes, there was no human interaction for me today. In fact, other than people I meet at work and the housemates, I normally just have myself.
I like making friends. I like chatting. I can talk non-stop when I am with the right people. But I just don't have anyone here in Sydney that is able to spend time with me.
As I mentioned before, the friends I have are attached. I feel that I should leave them alone.
Oh and by the way, I forgot to note this down. When I saw my ex again on Friday night, when he was walking next to me and talking to me, I felt like I was going back to the 'normal' days. It was so familiar. I felt like it was just a few days ago that we last spoke. There were a few moments over the dinner that I looked at him and smiled. He asked me why but I didn't say anything. I didn't tell him about my worries recently. I didn't wan to ruin the atmosphere I guess.
It was him who found me. On Fridae. Who would have expected that a random message from a total stranger on Fridae would lead to a relationship. And who would have expected it to be so short-lived.
But I m really unable to envisage that from happening again. I can't see the future. There may be some nice people that I meet along the way. But one day they will be out of my life and I will be left alone to continue the journey myself. Many including you who are reading this will come and go. That's the sad reality I guess. I know it's a reality but it's one that I can't quite accept.
Speaking about the worries. It's such a bad year, I am to be blamed as well. I actually don't know how to get out of this! Yes, I dun know how to get out of this depressed state!
I don't know who can help. I don't know who to tell anymore. I guess it's a natural instinct for me to call out for help, so that I could tell some about my worries my fears, so that I wouldn't go crazy myself.
But am I expecting too much from other people? Seriously what was I thinking? Everyone has got their own life. I am like a total stranger to many of you. My stories might touch a few of you, but that's it. It's still my life.
I can talk to friends, to nice people like you, or putting my thoughts here. But at the end of the day, I know I am still by myself. There's no one that I can cry to. There's no one that see the ugly me without the mask.
I feel very alone.
Hi Bryan,
ReplyDeleteYou are a complicated person. You made a good step, you had friendly visitors who reached out to you, but you didn't really go out of your way to respond to them (I'm not referring to me who you did respond to, but I am on the other side of the world from you and I am old enough to be your grandfather ;-) You need friends or at least friendly people nearer your age and nearer to you.
I understand you feel alone, in pain and a bit lost. Have you felt that way so long that it is your comfort zone? There is an old saying that if you have dug yourself a hole that you can not get out of, stop digging down, and start making / taking steps to get out. An old saying and not to imply blame: sometimes digging the hole feels like the right thing to do. When we realize the unintended consequences, and find them not what we want, then we need to take effort to change things. Sometimes when people see us making efforts they will help. I see you making an effort. Become more approachable so others will trust you to let them help.
You are going to church (out and about and maybe someone will sweep you off your feet, but even in that passive fantasy you need to make the effort to seem friendly and open to be approached. Why not say hello?); you are working (good: some money and again you might meet someone, but are you friendly and open enough to be approached?); you blog and have a blog list and some bloggers have added you to their bloglist (I popped in to yours from one of theirs although I don't have a blog). This is good but why not be more approachable by thanking more people for their visits and interact with more of them? Why not leave comments on other blogs to show your support and by doing so also that you are not so self-absorbed? This is not meant to be hurtful, but you really need to start making steps to get out of the hole. A bit more exertion with inter-acting with people. Isn't that how we avoid being alone? Plus it has the benefit of getting us out of the grey skies we might have in our heads.
If you have a history of depression or family history of clinical depression you might want to see a professional and have a chat. Not sure what access to university resources or other healthcare you have.
You have my best wishes, Edwin
How about dropping me an email? It would be too long for me to type it here
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