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The Last One

Woke up with 3 notifications from Blogger. Tuls left me comments:) He read my blog. I was of course feeling happy but also a bit..'weird?' at the same time. I still don't see myself as a blogger yet, and it feels kinda different to know that the people behind those blogs that I've been reading read my blog.

As for other bloggers, you mean just as much to me. You know who you are. Since I started writing, since I got myself into PEP, you guys have been here to encourage me, to support me. Thank you so much :)

I got myself tested for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea yesterday. It's 5 days from the last sex I had. I received unprotected oral sex. And I could feel some slight sensation (hot maybe) when I pee. Yes, I am in a state of worrying actually. I know with Chlamydia and Gonorrhea, they can be treated quite easily. What I'm worried is hiv risk. From the internet, from the sexual health nurse I saw yesterday, they all told me that receiving oral sex without a condom carries 'negligible' risk for hiv.

But I'm still worried. What if I'm the super unlucky one? Who can I blame except myself?

Friends who don't know I'm keeping a blog/ who don't read my blog, wouldn't know about my worries. Coz I tried to avoid repeating all these things to them. I will say 'I'm ok', 'I'm fine', whenever people saw me, or messaged me.

Yesterday night, I went to KK's place to talk to him. (KK is a friend of mine, in his 40s, and partnered) There are a few important points that he told me last night.

- Don't be judgmental. By hating myself because I had casual sex means that I actually despise others who are doing the same thing though I kept denying that it's just a rule/belief I have for myself.

- A casual hook-up even not at the sauna doesn't mean less risk. As long as I have sex, there will be a risk.

- There's nothing wrong with having sex, between two consenting adults, as long as you are not harming anyone.

- I'm actually a hypocrite. I created a 'nice' image of myself, who is someone who doesn't have sex with random people but I actually did so regularly. He said I have to admit that I need sex, and stop being judgmental.

- Don't make promises that I know I can't keep. He said why did I promised myself not to go the sauna again, broke that promise and feel bad now. I thought I was able to keep that promise. I thought.

I'm still confused. Or maybe I'm not. I'm just afraid to face the truth and be honest to myself.

Tuls is right. I need to prioritize. Actually a friend of mine told me the same thing too. I need to take steps to prevent the same thing from happening again, so that I can stop worrying.

- I have to get myself treated, if I really got Chlamydia/Gonorrhea from the last sex.

- I need to get tested for HIV. I hope I am lucky enough not to get infected.

- I need to get into social groups. I contacted a local gay organisation and they have an Asian social group. I need to go out more with friends.

- Delete Grindr/JackD. (This is a bit hard, I did it before, but I installed the apps back again)




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Comments

  1. UnknownJuly 19, 2013 at 12:21 AM

    OMG!!!I didn't know you got blog..super fail! D:

    I totally can understand how you feel..I went through that.or going cause still waiting my next HIV test.=( Everything sure will be okay for us!! *cross finger*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. untold stories July 19, 2013 at 3:29 PM

      Huh??!! you sound like you know me?

      Delete
    2. UnknownJuly 19, 2013 at 7:52 PM

      Haha..no la just that you followedme but didn't realize you got blog too :)

      Delete

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